So many things have happened in the past month, and yet I still find myself more restless and lost than ever. So here’s hoping a post can at least get all my thoughts assembled before I scream them to the world instead.
-My two best friends/roommates and I finally moved to our new apartment, which was blessedly closer to campus and seemed to be great. While it is and will be amazing one day, we are quickly learning that it is a major work in progress. It’s fun to fix up a place and make it yours, for sure. But I know there are days where one of my roommates wishes she didn’t have to be the live-in repairman/mechanic/electrician, too. Because she’s been a godsend helping us fix things, despite being exhausted from work. and yet there seems to be a never ending list of things to do. To top it off, a little shit mouse is having a blast in our kitchen and won’t just die in our traps. He’s now scared each of my roomies in the middle of the night whilst chowing down. Our food is/was securely wrapped, or so I thought. But damn this mouse.
I meanwhile am still unemployed and pretty much going crazy. Don’t get me wrong, after 4 years of college – with more coming – I know a break is good. But I had it. For a month. With my best friend. Being on a “break” alone while everyone else is busy sucks, though. And sitting in the apartment alone with the aforementioned mouse and added noises is enough to make me go crazy. I did the long walks every day but all they did was give me new scenery for my never ending stream of thoughts.
I have been applying to jobs left and right. Internships, LinkedIn, monster. All of it. Sometimes I get a response, and with that comes hope. And then, time after time, has been the defeat that comes with finding out I was thisclose but didn’t make the cut. So now I find myself belatedly looking for any summer job that will occupy my time and make my brain feel active again. It’s also very demoralizing. I wonder how much things have changed in a year that I would feel so unqualified for so many jobs. I wonder if it’s me or if things really are that hard in the job market, or both. I just don’t know.
I’ve lost count of how many books I’ve read in my time off, and as much as I love them, they’re ultimately just a temporary escape from my life. When each book ends, I’m reminded of my reality, but lately it frustrates me so much that I just want to be lost in another book.
All this lovely time off has also given me the chance to do my loan exit interviews with my parents. I’m lucky, I recognize that. I have wonderful loving parents who are helping me with this mess of loans. But when I see the numbers I finally really see and wonder if I really want to keep adding to this, with loans that will be even bigger if I ever make it to med school. I knew it would be a lot when I started this journey- but sometimes things don’t quite hit you until you see the numbers. I also have different worries now, worries that extend to years I cant see yet. I think about family and if i really want to put such a strain on myself, my parents, and any kid I may have. I’m sure if I was occupied or still in classes I wouldn’t be as worried, only because my mind would be busy worried about other daily things. I’m 21. I don’t know how normal it is to worry about this stuff, but it’s all floating in my head because frankly I have no better use of my time.
I hope I find something soon.