Too many thoughts

So many things have happened in the past month, and yet I still find myself more restless and lost than ever. So here’s hoping a post can at least get all my thoughts assembled before I scream them to the world instead.

-My two best friends/roommates and I finally moved to our new apartment, which was blessedly closer to campus and seemed to be great. While it is and will be amazing one day, we are quickly learning that it is a major work in progress. It’s fun to fix up a place and make it yours, for sure. But I know there are days where one of my roommates wishes she didn’t have to be the live-in repairman/mechanic/electrician, too. Because she’s been a godsend helping us fix things, despite being exhausted from work. and yet there seems to be a never ending list of things to do. To top it off, a little shit mouse is having a blast in our kitchen and won’t just die in our traps. He’s now scared each of my roomies in the middle of the night whilst chowing down. Our food is/was securely wrapped, or so I thought. But damn this mouse.

I meanwhile am still unemployed and pretty much going crazy. Don’t get me wrong, after 4 years of college – with more coming – I know a break is good. But I had it. For a month. With my best friend. Being on a “break” alone while everyone else is busy sucks, though. And sitting in the apartment alone with the aforementioned mouse and added noises is enough to make me go crazy. I did the long walks every day but all they did was give me new scenery for my never ending stream of thoughts.

I have been applying to jobs left and right. Internships, LinkedIn, monster. All of it. Sometimes I get a response, and with that comes hope. And then, time after time, has been the defeat that comes with finding out I was thisclose but didn’t make the cut. So now I find myself belatedly looking for any summer job that will occupy my time and make my brain feel active again. It’s also very demoralizing. I wonder how much things have changed in a year that I would feel so unqualified for so many jobs. I wonder if it’s me or if things really are that hard in the job market, or both. I just don’t know.

I’ve lost count of how many books I’ve read in my time off, and as much as I love them, they’re ultimately just a temporary escape from my life. When each book ends, I’m reminded of my reality, but lately it frustrates me so much that I just want to be lost in another book.

All this lovely time off has also given me the chance to do my loan exit interviews with my parents. I’m lucky, I recognize that. I have wonderful loving parents who are helping me with this mess of loans. But when I see the numbers I finally really see and wonder if I really want to keep adding to this, with loans that will be even bigger if I ever make it to med school. I knew it would be a lot when I started this journey- but sometimes things don’t quite hit you until you see the numbers. I also have different worries now, worries that extend to years I cant see yet. I think about family and if i really want to put such a strain on myself, my parents, and any kid I may have. I’m sure if I was occupied or still in classes I wouldn’t be as worried, only because my mind would be busy worried about other daily things. I’m 21. I don’t know how normal it is to worry about this stuff, but it’s all floating in my head because frankly I have no better use of my time.

I hope I find something soon.

Sometimes, I really hate people

I know that no matter what stage or field in life that I end up in, there will always be that one person (or more, *shudder*) that I just can’t stand. I’m not naive enough to think that it won’t happen. But it doesn’t mean I have to take it lying down, either. I don’t know what gets into these people that they have to just open their mouths and let their meaningless, baseless, obnoxious thoughts enter the world and subsequently lower everyone’s IQs, but they they do it.

Our ethics class always causes some debate. It’s ethics. But when you open your mouth to spew the condescension of your thoughts onto everyone else, including our extremely nice and polite student professor, I get pissed. When you add to that by also being a biology major, like me, and using science to belittle one of the great philosophical theories we are studying, I get superpissed. For one thing, I don’t need your puny ass telling me that “women have larger tear ducts than men.” You’re the same idiot who I heard moaning about one of the greatest professors in our department. I was thisclose to slapping you then and there. It’s disgusting. I don’t want to hear your whining about why this school and major are killing you. We all know, we’re there with you. Not to mention, you’re a few years younger than me. Think it’s hard now? You have a major wake-up call waiting for you, buddy.

Back to the freakin’ tear ducts. Excuse me? Not only did you bring it up during a FEMINIST ETHICS DISCUSSION, where it was completely fucking irrelevant, but you also did it in as snobby a way as possible. There was no need to bring up that point so loudly and carelessly. Our professor actually put his head down on the desk in defeat for a minute, seeing as you had completely missed the point he was trying to make. What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously? Is there some compulsive need to show off? By using biology, no less, which is practically sacred to me. Thanks for shaming biology majors everywhere. I hate that I’m associated with you in any way.

Today, your loudass mouth opened once more to share another moronic statement. “My six-year-old sister could have come up with that theory.” Oh REALLY. So your 6 year old sister could rival one of the most influential philosophical minds of the 1900s. Then why the hell hasn’t she just saved the world by now? In fact, if it’s so “common sense” as you put it, WHY THE FUCK HAVEN’T YOU?! You have got to be kidding me. Why the hell would you say something like that? We are studying this person for a reason. Their theories had important impacts on the field of philosophy. Not to mention, they had this idea back in the early 1900s. So back then, it was considered pretty damn important, although clearly your ass has more important things to do. Go fucking cure cancer then. This class might be required, but you could at least pretend to freaking like it. Or, hey, here’s an idea – SHUT THE HELL UP. Sit in the back and sulk your ass off that you have to take this class, but don’t get in my goddamn way.

I know this kind of thing is probably prominent in classes & work, but … I really hate people some days.